What is lighter than a feather?
DUST, my friend, in summer weather.
And what is lighter than the dust, I pray?
The winds that blow them both away.
And what is lighter than the winds?
The lightness of unthinking minds.
Now what is lighter than the last?
Ah! there, my friend, you have me, fast.
– Anonymous
With a bang of the brass gavel, Shire President Nancy Silver called the special meeting of Winton Swamp Council to order.
After a few words with Secretary Heather Jensen and Minute secretary Miss Eva, she mumbled through the meeting preliminaries before sternly dismissing the public gallery and the news people. Then, without looking up, she clomped to the lectern and started speaking:
“This community, threatened by global warming, labors to protect the natural world, our priceless legacy. That’s why, some years ago, the government decided to cease all fossil fuel extraction and to much restrict its importation from around the globe. This council joined the new order, that is it called for the phasing out of fossil fuel mining, right across our nation.
“Locally, our first step was to cease maintaining all asphalt roads. Had we not done this, the exponential increases in the price of bitumen, that followed the government’s decision, would have consumed almost our entire property tax income. Simply raising more funds by increasing the taxes would have driven our people from their homes; most have no way to get more money. So, to emphasize here, abandoning bitumen roads has allowed many of our people to keep a roof over their heads.
“Now I come to the reason why this has had to be a closed meeting: The potholed, fragmented road surfaces that remain must be skimmed off and dumped, and the dirt surfaces smoothed out, to avoid massive vehicle damage. Stated in another way, we hereby admit to the public that sealed bitumen roads are a thing of the past in Winton Swamp county. We have moved on from our former, ugly ways to a clean, green way of life.
“Our task tonight is to figure out how to explain and rationalize what our citizens in their ignorance will probably call a descent into hard times. Be aware that many residents have little sympathy for our environmental initiative, so we must gently adjust them all to retreat from from what they say is a dastardly and outrageous discomfort, and a vile attack on enjoyment of daily life.
“News of the new policy will be publicized tomorrow. Fresh bylaws have already been drafted. Prominent speakers have been reminded to describe the new order as a new enlightenment. They will explain it in great detail and stress that our plan spreads the pain of this epical environmental protection equally across the entire community. It is necessary: no pain, no gain or, as councilor Karen said, you can’t make an omelet without breaking at least one Emu egg.”
“I now pass the microphone to my deputy, John Cece, who will explain some of the issues that the new bylaws will address. John, please take over.
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I start with a philosophical observation: You have all seen movies depicting former times (Wild Westerns, for instance) where muddy streets and clouds of dust were normal seasonal variations. Around the mid-1800s, winning oil from whaling began to wind down and petroleum use expanded. Before that, dusty and muddy roads were accepted throughout the world as being part of life.
“Thus, how can we pretend that we can’t do, creatively, what our forebears did uncomplainingly? It is a little known fact that more horses exist with us today than ever in man’s history. Whether ridden or pulling a wheeled conveyance, they create minimal dust and pollution. It is time to welcome them back.
“Now, let me outline some of the things that our new bylaws will cover; pick up your copy of the first edition of these bylaws on Thursday.
“We’ll mandate speed limits for all of our roads. Maximum speed will not exceed ten mph, but lower limits will apply to extremely dusty locations and hilly areas. Also, there will be variations for wet and muddy conditions and for night traveling.
“The speed limits will apply to all vehicles, including motor bikes, scooters, bicycles that have motorized assistance, and horse-drawn conveyances, like gigs, and buggies as well singly ridden horses and ponies.
“In the produce growing areas: Five miles per hour will be the maximum speed allowed. In addition, where powdery clays can make fine dust up to six inches deep, produce must not be grown within 500 feet of roadways, so dust and grit will not penetrate leafy vegetables.
“Rains in winter will lay dust, but no increase in speed limits should apply due to sliding and bogging being a constant danger. Chains are generally recommended in winter conditions. These limits will be enforced; a penalty schedule has been set. Fines to be used to fund strict policing, and to finance purchase of horses for older, first-time riders as well as for youngsters who would like to own their first pony.
“Some roads will naturally become impossibly bog-prone. To combat this, land owners will be obliged to permit vehicles and horses to travel outside the legal road reserve and within private property, on a generally parallel course.
“Now, back to you Mr President”
Shire President, Nancy Silver, then reclaimed the microphone to close the meeting: “Thank you all for attending this historic conference. The steps we institute this night will echo far and wide as all countries realize the necessity. We pray and look forward to seeing inventions and innovations that will advance man’s lot, as has happened before. At times, our resolution may falter, but gladness and optimism will surely prevail.
Good night all.”
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